


Boot Theory

by TheHuskyDragon



Series: We’re all going forward/none of us are going back [14]
Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: A tiny bit of flirting, Banter, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Worth Issues, a whole lotta cussing but that’s not new, mountain “sledding”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22814188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHuskyDragon/pseuds/TheHuskyDragon
Summary: Sam and Higgs finish their delivery, and higgs is able to reconcile with people who worked under him.
Relationships: Original Male Character & Original Male Character, Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Series: We’re all going forward/none of us are going back [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551493
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	Boot Theory

**Author's Note:**

> Ahah I’m sorry y’all this took too long!! I just... forgot to write it :,) 
> 
> Mild warning: talks about scars and self harm and Higgs not recognizing self harm is bad 
> 
> Title from a Richard Siken poem 
> 
> Also there’s a shameless self insert that never gets addressed in here lmao. Gordon and “the gardener” are older OCs though 
> 
> Also also, I never address it, but I lowkey heavily headcanon Sam as autistic cuz fuck y’all, I’m totally not projecting and also I said so

Higgs gasps when Sam’s lips press against a scar. His eyes flutter when he very gently licks against it. 

Sam slides his hand up from Higgs’ hips to his hand. From there, he squeezes his hand and palms up Higgs’ arm. He stops when he feels the textured skin there. 

Ah,  _ shit _ . Sam’s gonna make a hassle of that too, huh?

Of  _ course _ he has scars there, damnit. 

“Christ,” Sam grumbles, “you’re really covered head to toe, huh,”

“On my arms? Of course, Sammy.” He was going to grouse about how Sam himself is covered nearly from head to toe in handprints— that Higgs is  _ not _ jealous of— but his mouth can’t seem to form around the words. 

Sam traces a group of hieroglyphs. “Who’d these come from?”

“Me,”  _ dumbass _ , “ever heard of scarification?” The answer comes out with remarkably little bite. Higgs suddenly feels very,  _ very _ tired. 

“You… did these? To  _ yourself _ ?”

“What about it,”

“You cut yourself like that?”

Like— fuckin  _ what _ ? “Sam I have fucking  _ killed _ people. You’re worried about me  _ slicing edgy symbols _ into my arms?”

Sam’s lips purse. He works his jaw a bit, doesn’t really look him in the eye; not like that's uncharacteristic of him. He  _ does _ pointedly look at the marks along Higgs’ arms. If he looks closely enough, Higgs can still see the differently textured skin of his wrist… back in his porter days with his cuff. He barely remembered it, but  _ does _ remember how suffocating it was… still is. 

On his other arm a burn took up a palm-sized shape along his elbow.  _ That _ healed  _ so _ fucking easily. There are various, smaller cuts and abrasions along his forearms. He slides his hand from Sam’s loose grip and crosses his arms in front of him. 

He’s still got his mask on… that helps. Sam’s piercing gaze flays Higgs, like he’s being stripped alive. Sam seeing all of his flaws, mistakes… It hurts more than it should. 

A warm palm covers his cheek. He leans into the touch. 

Sam sighs. “Y'know Higgs. You really are beautiful.”

Higgs almost swears he imagined it, with how quiet Sam spoke. But the blotchy blush on his cheeks is proof enough. 

But… Higgs  _ isn’t _ . He isn’t  _ pretty _ or  _ beautiful _ or  _ handsome _ . Fucking  _ none _ of it, and  _ especially _ not his damn face. He doesn’t even take care of himself, his skin scarred and marred and trauma to match, he looks like shit.

Higgs turns his head away from Sam’s hand. 

He’s been told that enough times in his life. 

Can they finish this delivery now?

* * *

When the elevator lifts them out of the safe house, brutal winds whip at their faces. Higgs wonders how Bridges expected them to deliver live cargo in these conditions. 

Sam’s brow was furrowed more than usual before they left, but Higgs can’t tell if it’s the wind or Higgs  _ himself _ that’s the cause of it. 

It  _ hurts… _ to think that Sam is angry at him. Causes some harsh, visceral ache in his chest to claw at his heart. Under his rain-tight uniform, he’s compelled to scratch and itch at all of his scars. 

Any other time, he would’ve give a  _ flying fucking shit  _ what people thought. Higgs would even revel in the disgusted looks he’d get. Higgs grits his teeth.  _ So why does it fucking matter to him? _ Matter that  _ Sam _ cares?

They’re just over halfway to the garden. Who’s fuckin idea in Bridges to have a  _ garden _ in the  _ mountains _ ?

They’ve gotten past the BTs in the area when they first began. Maybe Sam would call the rest of the delivery easy then, but Higgs has always fucking  _ hated _ being in the mountains in the first place. Numerous times the wind is suddenly too strong, and Higgs is thrown to the side.  _ Dare he say, _ a ghost of a smirk travels across Sam’s face as he helps him right himself. Not a second later, it drops and Sam looks pissed again. 

Sam’s odradek tells them that they’re barely 300 meters from their destination. Higgs could collapse, it feels like their journey has taken  _ years _ . It’s certainly taken hours, only sometimes do they both spend a painfully silent break together.

They’ve found a little spot under some rocks that keeps them safe from the snow that continuously falls, and the worst of the wind. Higgs could almost call it warm, with their shared heat, if he could feel his hands.

“Sam,” Higgs calls.  _ He can’t fucking take it, _ “I’m sorry that I worried you with my…”

Sam grumbles something lost to the wind, “it’s… fine. I just don’t get it.”

Higgs holds back a sigh of relief. It feels like a massive weight has been taken off his shoulders.

“I suppose not everyone does.”

“What  _ is _ the point?”

Higgs… doesn’t really know the answer himself.  _ Boredom _ ? To show his  _ faith to his god  _ at the time? The need to feel something,  _ anything _ ?

Higgs’ mouth opens and closes for a moment. “I… ain't too sure why I did it then,”

“Would you do it now?”

“Not now,” and they both know Higgs means in the mountains, where they are. 

How can he  _ possibly _ promise to not do it? It’s not a danger to him, and it’s just as fucking risky as doing what Sam does. It’s— a form of  _ expression _ .  _ That’s _ what it is, Sam can’t stifle something like that. Something that calls to him if he doesn’t keep himself busy. 

Swearing off becoming a terrorist again is  _ easy _ . He didn’t even like what he was doing then, found no fucking satisfaction in it. Killing people is… he can work with that.  _ Sometimes a motherfucker needs his throat slit.  _

… how  _ are _ his men doing? Do they know he’s alive; are  _ they _ alive?

“Cmon,” Sam grunts, readjusting the straps on his shoulders. “It’ll only take us a few hours by now.”

Not even, it turns out, as it took them just over an hour. Smoother slopes aided by lack of bad weather made the rest of the trip  _ heavenly _ . 

They cross the territory line and it calls their names out. Higgs sees the way Sam shakes his head when his name is announced. 

“Do you hate it?”

He lets out a little hm? when he turns around, “my name? It doesn’t fuckin fit me anymore.”

“I’m sure you could change it. It can’t be that difficult,”

“Hrm. Probably, but Bridges gave me the name in the first place. He said, activating the terminal. He shoulders off the live cargo for the time being, and takes two of the containers of seeds and shelves them. The receptacle draws down as the chiralgram flickers on. 

A pretty, tall woman appears. In the patchy image of the chiralgram, he can see how she has long, gray hair and red lipstick, piercing red eyes. She wears a button up and jeans, a kerchief tied around her forehead holding back her hair. 

“Oh? Are you guys here to set up the network?” She looks over to the side, looking at something out of view to Sam and Higgs. “I wasn’t really expecting these yet, but it’s fine. Looks like you got more, that for the second location?”

“Sure is,” Sam answers. He yanks the necklace off his neck, the q-pid doing its job with the terminal. As lights flash around the entrance of the bunker, Sam and Higgs are lifted off the ground a good few inches. Their eyes water. 

Then particles fly, and they fall to the ground. Sam rubs at his eyes as he puts the q-pid away. The chiralgram is much clearer now, showing the woman in more detail. Her name is listed as  _ The Gardener. _ Despite her gray hair, she certainly wasn’t old. Most likely a few years younger than Higgs. Why… does she look  _ so _ familiar?

“That all you boys need? The second location is quite a journey away, you know?” The gram switches off and their evaluation comes up. Of course, S Score.  _ The Man Who Delivers _ wouldn’t expect any less. 

Higgs sighs and rolls on his heels like an impatient child. “Fuck Sam! I regret coming with you.”

“Why’s that?” He says, fabricating two floating carriers and harnessing the live cargo again. 

“I fucking  _ hate _ porting!”

“Okay,”

“ _ Okay _ !?”

“I’m gonna build is a cabin,”

“Fucking—  _ what _ ! Sam hold onto your fucking tits and wait a second.”

“Okay?” And pointedly  _ does not _ hold onto his tits. A shame. 

“First off,  _ where _ ?”

“Uhh… dunno. Not in the damn mountains, that’s for sure.”

“Hm. Okay… what color is the carpet gonna be?”

“Assuming there’s gonna be carpet… what color you want?”

“Maroon. Or— some dark… red color…  _ yeah _ .”

Sam begins their trek to the South Knots ruins.  _ Another one of Higgs’ regrets.  _

“Hm. The bed sheets?”

“Black,” Higgs responds immediately, “no, gold! Black  _ and _ gold?”

Sam laughs. The  _ beautiful _ scene of watching the crows feet at his eyes crinkling, his teeth showing even,  _ mm _ . “I’ll see what I can do.”

They get to the summit. Without the fog in the way, Higgs would be able to see the ruins from here… he’s almost sure he can. 

Sam throws the floating carriers down. He connects one to himself and the other to the first one. 

Sam… steps onto the carrier. 

“Get on,”

_ What _ .

“What?” Higgs questions. 

“What? It’s fun.”

He very carefully steps into it. One foot first, just to test that it won’t fucking flip over. It doesn’t. The device holds upright, workin it’s weird magic at taking his weight. Second foot up and he clutches to Sam. By how the shorter man effortlessly— almost eagerly— stands tall and sure of himself, Higgs just knows that he’s done this  _ too many fucking times _ . 

And  _ how _ doesn’t he know this? He has next to a million pictures of him, but not  _ once _ did he see Sam doing… this.

“You ready?”

_ No _ ! “... sure.”

Sam kicks off, and they begin a  _ very fast _ descent down. The slope is relatively flat, and what rocks do stick up Sam effortlessly maneuvers around. Sam laughs out in glee, like some fucking kid while Higgs barely keeps his shit together. Each bump and rock feels like it’ll knock Higgs off, and on the worse of the jumps, their feet float above the carrier in the air. 

Higgs knees buckle and he  _ swears _ he isn’t shouting in not-fear. He wraps his arms around the straps on Sam, cursing the container strapped to his back of being in his way. 

Not soon enough, they reach the bottom, or more towards the bottom. Sam digs his foot into the snow to slow their descent. Higgs has little intention to remove himself from Sam, but they’ve got  _ bullshit deliveries _ to do. 

Higgs wants to retire. He’s too old for this shit. 

He nearly stumbles over his feet getting off the carrier. Sam seems completely  _ fucking _ unaffected, like sledding down a goddamn mountain does  _ nothing _ to him. And to think Higgs went easy on him with Mekal. 

“ _ Fuck _ , Sam.” Higgs groans. “You tryna give me a heart attack?”

Sam shows his teeth again in a chuckle. “Right, You’re too young for that.”

“Wh— Sam, do you know how old I am?” Higgs asked, nearly falling in the snow. There’s less of it here, so far down the mountains. 

“You gotta be in your twenties.”

“My fucking— I’m thirty—…  _ something _ ! My fucking twenties…”

“There’s  _ no way _ you’re thirty-something.” Sam said, making his way to more horizontal land.

“I might be near my forties in fact…”

“ _ I’m _ in my forties.”

“Like hell.” Higgs hisses. “There’s no way we’re that close in age.” 

Higgs looks toward their destination. He sees that there’s a waterfall in their way. The ruins of South Knot will be drenched in BTs… it shouldn’t be much of an issue with Higgs… if he’s still able to control them. If worse comes to worst, he can just weave the both of them through it…

_ IF ONLY HE COULD JUMP!  _

_ That’d be nice!! _

Unfortunately, he  _ can’t _ . Which is  _ fine _ . When Higgs was younger, he often went through hell to finish a delivery. A simple setback won’t kill him. 

Well… it won’t  _ stop _ him…

There’s a steep slope going up and down the valley the waterfall made. And then a shallow river… nothing impossible. In fact, they probably shouldn’t run into too many BTs. 

To the left, Higgs can vaguely see the weather station. Or, where it should be if there wasn’t a hill full of rocks in the way. Even the distance they are from it, there are many outcropping rocks in the loose, grassy soil. 

Higgs cusses for the uptenth time as he trips over another rock. Sam himself isn’t doing much better. 

He forgot how  _ annoying _ it was that uneven ground like this could sour his mood. The two men have to be careful as there’s plenty of MULEs maybe a hundred meters from them. It’s not like dealing with them is difficult, but…

“You know the people at the garden here?”

Sam turns his head to him to speak, “they’re strangers to me. Don’t even know why they’re in Mama’s old lab.”

_ Old lab? _ “...She doesn’t work there anymore?”

“She’s dead.”

Higgs blinks. “Oh.”

Sam nods. “She’s with Lockne now. As in—  _ physically _ . They’re one person now.”

Higgs opens his mouth to say something but Sam continues. “Actually you uh. Killed her. Mama, that is. When you bombed South Knot.”

“Wait— what? You had her on your back when you were reconnecting America didn’t you? There’s no way I killed her. Nor— Sam I don’t  _ remember _ blowing up South Knot.”

Sam stops walking and turns around. There’s some minute tick in his brow that makes the hairs at the back of Higgs’ neck stand on end. 

“The fuck do you mean,” Sam says slowly, “you don’t  _ remember blowing up South Knot. _ ”

“I’m  _ telling _ you, not all of the bombings were  _ me _ .” Higgs defends. 

“No, it was the rest of your terrorist group.” Sam says through clenched teeth. He turns at the heel and begins walking again. The waterfall is visible now. 

“Sam, I’m telling you I don’t remember doing it. At all.”

Sam whips around again. 

“Then who did? The fucking MULEs?”  _ Maybe _ ! Higgs doesn’t know. Most of the bombings he’s done just feel like faint memories. Like waking up from a dream he immediately forgot. 

Something comes over Sam’s face. He doesn’t look angry anymore. 

“Sam—?”

“Let’s go.”

* * *

“God— _ damn _ it.” Higgs spits. Just as they were crossing the thigh-deep water, Higgs’ boot sunk into the mud there. There was only a small area they could actually use to cross, and Higgs seemed to have stepped too far off. 

“You shoulda let me put down some zip lines.” Higgs can barely hear him over the roar of the waterfall.

“Like I’ll use those nightmares again. Fuck that.” Where’s his beast when he needs him? Mekal is never where he should be.

He nearly yanks the boot off in tugging, and falls down to his knee. His raised hood blocks out the blinding sun baking them from above. 

Sam grabs hold of the straps of his harness, and yanks. The first try nearly had him slipping, but he plants his feet firmly and pulls again. 

Higgs’ boot comes loose, and the momentum throws Higgs towards Sam. The taller man loses balance and falls on top of Sam. The two men go tumbling into the water with a splash. 

Higgs panics before he sees that Sam’s cargo was placed on the shore. He breathes a sigh of relief and looks at Sam. 

Higgs, with all the seriousness he can convey, asks, “you come here often?”

The two of them erupt in laughter; Higgs on top of him in the water while Sam props himself on his elbows. 

Higgs leans back on his knees, then gets up. He’s still giggling a bit. After a second thought, he extends a hand to help Sam up too. 

The Bridges uniforms are waterproof completely neck down, but the water running off still feels heavy. The tied-back hair of Sam’s is wet at the tip. Higgs tries not to get too obsessed with watching it. The way it swings back and forth with Sam’s gait, the drops of water that cling to it…

Sam walks along the shore towards the waterfall, and into the valleys there. Going forward isn’t as probable, as the cliff-side is more sheer. Higgs mindlessly follows him, as he has been, for he’s positive Sam has walked every path in America. 

They climb up a rocky slope, now tantalizingly close, quite literally at the footstep of the lab. Here, the ruins are clearly visible and, well, Higgs would be lying if he said he didn’t find some beauty in it. 

… not that… he’d blow up another city to see it. That’s not what he means. 

They climb through the ruins, an open space that Higgs used for Mekal to fight Sam. It looks like it never happened. There’s a generator and a very rusty trike in the open. Sam slowly walks in, looking around before walking towards the terminal that chirps happily. 

“Huh. They changed it.” Sam says, but doesn’t elaborate. He turns Higgs around and takes the last containers of seeds off him. 

“I could’ve just turned around if you asked.” He complains. 

“Yeah,” Sam finishes. 

He slots the containers into the receptacle. The one with the fancy rats rattles noisily. 

The shelves descend and the chiralgram appears. Just like last time, the image is grainy. Two men appear, one tall and the other shorter. Shorter than Sam even, if Higgs is correct. 

The taller one is clothed in overalls and a mint green button up. Higgs can barely see the large, red, circular glasses on his face. He’s also got a puff of curly hair, the sides cut short. The shorter one’s hair was quite the same, but longer and pulled back. He had on a dark turtleneck and a black baggy, half-zipped up sweater. 

Higgs got the same feeling from the Gardener in the mountains, that he knows these people… but from  _ where _ ?

“You guys are finally here! Ready to connect us up?” Started the taller one. 

Sam said nothing as he yanked off the q-pid and let it connect the area. If it was Mama’s old site, shouldn’t it be connected already?

The train of thought was cut short as Higgs and Sam were raised up again. When they were on the ground again, Higgs blinked away the allergic reaction as the chiralgram turned on again. Now that the image was cleared, Higgs could see that the taller man had large, green-blue eyes. The other had dark-brown eyes. They both had honey-colored skin, pale from so much time underground and out of the sun. 

“Finally!” Said the shorter one, “we have some medicines and tea we’ve made, and now we can share it with the network! And with the— wait.” He squinted a bit, leaning as if to look further into the chiralgram. “Boss?”

“Boss?” Sam parroted. Then it  _ clicked _ for Higgs. 

“Wait!” Higgs said, with his sudden realization. “Gordon, Niki! You’re  _ working for Bridges!!” _

“What the hell, Higgs? You know these people?”

“They worked for me! Gordon and Niki were in Homo Demens.”

“They… were? And Bridges let them…?”

Gordon held up a finger to his lips and let out a silent shush with a wink. “It’s so nice to see you, Boss!

“How’s the rest of em doin? What about Vesuvius? Or Shishaldin or Loa?”

As Niki said “ _ of course  _ you’d ask about Vesivius,” before leaving the chiralgram, Gordon answered, “we don’t know! We left a few months after you did… What  _ happened _ ?”

“ _ Well _ ,” Higgs answered. “I died.”

“Why don’t you come inside and tell us? Unless you have other deliveries…?”

Higgs turned to Sam, who shook his head and shrugged. Behind them, in the space that must have changed, there was a bunker door. The heavy door hissed open when the lock was released. 

After the staircase, the first room had shelves stocked full with various bags of soil and fertilizer and seeds… rat food and many shelves of bedding. It was poorly lit.

The next room was  _ considerably _ larger. It was  _ blinding _ , with the bright white lights. Tables were covered with pots of all shapes and sizes full of green leaves and colorful flowers. The walls had shelves, just as full. Gordon suddenly appears from behind a table. Higgs can see the glee light up his face as he all but runs to Higgs, encasing his body in a hug. 

Higgs is so shocked by the rare show of affection, though not rare for Gordon, that he doesn’t remember to hug back. When Gordon pulls back, an ear-to-ear smile still plastered on his face, Higgs sees that he has a large albino rat on his shoulder. 

Gordon must have seen the disgust on his face. He pets the head of the rat. It’s beady, red eyes bore into Higgs. 

“He doesn’t bite, he’s the most friendly rat, actually.”

“What’s its name?” Sam asks.

“The ones we have don’t have names yet,” answers Niki, appearing from a door to their side. “You just gave us a few more but…” he leans up and whispers something into Gordon’s ear. His eyes widen. 

“That’s not… the best.”

“It’s—  _ Fine _ ! Actually. We were gonna need more… and rat babies look  _ so cute. _ ” He said, clearly recalling some cutesy image. 

“We don’t have space,” Gordon reasoned. 

“Are they always like this?” Sam asks, leaning toward Higgs. The taller man nodded. 

“How many plants y’all got here? Looks like a forest almost.”

“It basically is,” said Gordon, “we have trees and ground plants and flowers and— a lot. Most have names. Look! Here’s Reggie the croton.”

Gordon picked up a large, plastic pot with both hands. The rat on his shoulder jumped into the dark soil and sniffed the plant. It was all leaves, brightly colored red, orange, yellow and very little green. 

“And here’s William;” jumping to the next plant, Gordon picked up a smaller pot. This container was silver and came with a sort of plate that fitted under it. The plant itself had a long stem and one large dark green leaf each. It reaches high, as if trying to get as close to the “sun”— in this case, white, artificial lights— as it could. 

“What’s the point of naming them?”

“It helps them grow!” Higgs pursed his lips and arches a tattooed brow. “No, really, Boss! So does playing music. A lot of these plants we use for medicine or tea and whatnot. Others, we just have them for fun.”

“Seems like y’all have more fun here, than with the Demens.” Higgs says, crossing his arms in mock anger. 

“Well yeah! I mean… no offense, Boss, but killing isn’t really…  _ my thing _ .”

“It is mine!” Niki says, grabbing onto Gordon’s arm. The rat trots across the link. 

“Not like you’re good at it.” Gordon says. 

“ _ Excuse _ me, I can be  _ great _ if I try.”

“You boys really haven’t changed in a whole year, huh?”

“No, Boss.” They both say at the same time. 

Higgs shakes his head. “Are there still some members together?”

“Higgs—“ Sam growls before he’s interrupted. 

“We think so,” answered Niki. “But… we really haven’t stayed in contact with all the others. They… might still be at the base by the mountains.”

“They’ve been waiting for you, Boss. Y’know that? …  _ we’ve _ been waiting for you.”

“S’ not like I can do shit now.”

“That doesn’t matter to us, Boss.” Gordon reasons. “It’s just good to know you’re alive.”

“ _ Hey, Higgs _ ,” Sam says, clapping a hand on his shoulder, “I think we have some more deliveries to do, yeah?”

“Can’t we stay here a bit longer?”

The answer, turns out, is a firm  _ no _ . Higgs is a little upset, he didn’t even get to see the other rats. 

“You seriously care about  _ ‘your men _ ’?” Sam questions, with added  _ air quotes.  _

“Do you think I’m insane? You think I’m gonna go back to them.”

“ _ Yeah, _ actually!”  _ Christ _ , he really sounds angry. How many times is he going to make Sam angry…? Oh god... 

“Well I’m  _ not _ ! Sor- _ ry _ for caring about people that worked for me!”

“Who fuckin knows, maybe now that they know you’re alive, they’ll start fucking with everyone again.” Sam said, starting to walk away from the lab. The ruins around them emitted negative energy, it feels, like it’s making them angrier. 

“ _ Those _ two haven’t.” Higgs jabs a thumb towards the building. He takes large strides to stand in front of Sam. “There are  _ maybe _ three whole people that worked for me that would kill just to kill. They just did what I told them. And if I told them to get their  _ shit _ together, you damn well bet they will.” 

Well  _ shit… _ even angry like this, Sam still looks  _ stunning _ . Something in the sharp gaze in his eyes, or maybe the furrowed brow and twitching lip… it could make lesser men go mad, Higgs thinks. Sam’s stormy blue eyes lock with Higgs’.  _ That’s _ what’s odd, Sam rarely maintains solid eye contact intentionally, or even himself. Higgs can’t say he doesn’t mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is higgs-the-god. Leave a kudos or comment if you’d like :)
> 
> I still can’t believe that we’re almost finished with this! It’s so fun to write this, and of course I’ll do one shots here and there. I’m not entirely sure how many chapters are left, but I’d expect around five or so!
> 
> (Also if y’all want to request sfw/nsfw fics thatd be cool!! I can’t guarantee I’ll write them but I’d love to hear y’all’s ideas)


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